From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
