So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
