If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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