Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you had me at cake vodka
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize