KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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