1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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