From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
