i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
