and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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