Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
