you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
