Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
