if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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