Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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