I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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