I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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