i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
3pm strippers are depressing
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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