Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
