I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
