I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sorry my hands just texted you
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
