i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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