Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(905): View more from Toronto

She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.

(416): View more from Ontario

Got yourself a keeper right there.

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(845): View more from New York

No more Irish car bombs ever.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"

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(905): View more from Ontario

threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.

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(785): View more from Kansas

God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.

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(690): View more from

And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.

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