His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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