How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
