Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
