i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
