someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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