Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
