like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
