guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
