You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
