Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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