This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
