the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
