I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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