My sheets look like a crime scene.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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