she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
