I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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