I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
