And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
