Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize