you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
