There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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