so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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