I can text with my tongue
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
