just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just high enough for therapy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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