..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
