I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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