i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
