somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
