My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
