Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
