My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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