I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
