everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
