I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
