Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize