he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
