While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
