I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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