Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
