You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
