and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
