Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
