just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
