bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
