Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
